Is it me?
by Koala Penguin
Summary: John speaks to Derek Reese about his insecurities on being the leader of the resistance. Based on Sarah's narration "Watching John with the machine, it was suddenly so clear. The terminator, would never stop. It would never leave him, and it would never hurt him, never shout at him, or get drunk and hit him, or say it was too busy to spend time with him."


_Watching John with the machine, it was suddenly so clear. The terminator, would never stop. It would never leave him, and it would never hurt him, never shout at him, or get drunk and hit him, or say it was too busy to spend time with him. It would always be there. And it would die, to protect him. Of all the would-be fathers who came and went over the years, this thing, this machine, was the only one who measured up. _

* * *

John was sitting on a bench with his uncle Derek watching two boys playing baseball. They were eating ice-cream. It was John's birthday.

John never lived a normal life. He didn't know what it was just to play. Even when he was as young as the youngest boy playing he was training. The only time he had something that resembled what the boys had, it had turned out badly. John recalled how his mom's outlaw boyfriend took him to the park to play baseball. The pumped-up asshole was always gung-ho and cruel:

_"You play ball like a girl!" Jimmy threw the ball hard at John. It caught John in chest, knocking the wind out of him and John started to cry. "Are you crying? Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball!"_

_"I'm feeling tired. I want a break" John said as he tried to stop the tears._

_"There's no such thing as a break in war. You're going to learn perseverance" Jimmy said. Jimmy was ex-special forces who occasionally took work overseas as a mercenary. _

_John had a stubborn streak in him and said "I don't want to do this anymore"_

_"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you" Jimmy threatened. _

_"Ok. A few more" John conceded. John continued playing despite the ache in his arm and that his chest was hurting._

When Sarah discovered the nasty bruises on John that Jimmy had given him Sarah had slit Jimmy's throat with a potato peeler – no-one touched her kid. The asshole was just one of many would-be fathers that his mother had picked but none of them had ever accepted him. After a while they just merged into one. Sarah's thirst for specialist knowledge and expertise had led to Sarah being with one asshole after the other. John had seen his mother in a number of violent domestic fights and whilst she had almost always came on top there were times when he had feared for his mother's life and he had felt too scared to move to protect her. He couldn't understand how his mother expected him to be a great military leader when he couldn't stop those assholes from hurting him or her. John thought that him leading the human resistance to victory was a joke. Derek interrupted his thoughts.

"It's beautiful here, isn't it?" Derek commented and John nodded "When you stay long enough, you start fooling yourself into thinking that this is... this is how it's always gonna be. Then you remember what this place will look like when it's on fire. All this, this whole place, everything, it's gone. Just gone. And then you realize you'll do whatever it takes to keep from watching it burn again. We're going to smash those metal motherfuckers into junk." Derek was opening up so that John would trust him. He was concerned about John. The kid needed to talk – if he bottled up anymore fear and adrenaline he would burst. John appreciated Derek talking to him.

The baseball the boys were playing with landed near John. John picked it up and gave it back to the younger boy. John spotted that the older boy was wearing a shirt with the name 'Reese' on the back.

John turned to Derek stunned. "Is that... you? And the younger one? Is that...?"

"Kyle" Derek confirmed and then proudly said "Throws pretty good for a five-year-old, huh? Your father always had a nice arm."

John puzzled "How'd you know?"

Derek chuckled "How could I not know? Every time I look at you I see him." Derek then sighed "You gave him a picture of Sarah once. It was very old - torn, faded. I'm sure he memorized every line, every curve. She was always his type."

"How was he like?" John asked. He avoided asking Sarah the questions he had about his father. He knew how much his father's death had saddened her.

"He had a sincere and courageous heart. He was a respected leader but most of all he was my brother. I miss him. It must've been tough to grow up without a father" Derek acknowledged.

John shrugged his shoulders "That must be common after Judgement Day."

"We all help each other." Derek said firmly "It what makes us stronger than the machines."

"The closest I had to a father was a T-800." John responded matter-of-factly.

"It's that thinking that's gonna get you killed. Us killed." Derek warned.

"I was 10, ok? All I had was … it. I lived with my foster parents, Todd and Janelle Voight, but they couldn't handle me. I got a police record for trespassing, shoplifting, disturbing the peace, and vandalism. I needed my mom. Todd and Janelle got killed by a T-1000. Mom at the time was in the Pescadero State Hospital after she attempted to destroy a computer factory. She never talks about it but I know she was hurt there, amongst her nightmares about the machines is what they did to her there too. It changed her."

Derek heard the self-blame in John's voice and wanted to provide comfort "I'm really sorry, John. She didn't deserve what happened to her."

"Few people do. She was so alone. I was told that her stories of the future were merely delusions and whilst she was in hospital I found her tape recordings of what dad had told her about the future. The more I heard the more I thought she was crazy. That everything she had tried to get me to believe since the cradle was bullshit." John had felt guilt at not believing his mom.

"Until one came after you" Derek said with understanding.

"And one protected me." John then shook his head as he reminisced "I taught it to say Hasta la vista, baby."

"John, it was a machine. It was reprogrammed but it came off an assembly line and like all those other machines it is designed to kill. They may look human... sweat, bad breath … but it doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear."

"And I've been brought up to destroy them, I know the danger they present, but I wish that I could just wake up from all of this and stop being stuck in mom's nightmare. Basically I know I'm fucked. I feel the weight of the world bearing down on me. It's my destiny but I want no part in it, I never did and at times I think that a bullet between the eyes would preferable to what I know is going to happen. But I know I have to go on right to the end."

"We're here to stop it" Derek tried to give John some hope. "The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves."

"It can't be thwarted. If it's thwarted I wouldn't be here. When my dad died I know mom missed him but she felt he was there with her through it all, giving her the strength to continue. She has always been so fixated on trying to change the future and to protect mankind because she didn't want to let him down. No matter what happened to her she continued the fight on her own. She became a ferocious soldier and dropped off the grid to protect us. She sought out skills and abilities from all manner of outlaws and survivalists so that she could help me to fight Skynet and teach me to lead the resistance. I could pick a lock by the time I was four. I learnt how to play chess when I was six. I became proficient in self-defense and weaponry when I was 8. I can hack a computer system in my sleep."

"If you slept" Derek corrected. "I'm not deaf, John."

"What do you think he would think of me? How I turned out? If he saw me now. Look at me! I'm no leader! I'm never gonna..." John looked down in defeat.

"John, look at me. Your dad would be proud of you. He would be so proud of you. How you survived and continued fighting despite wanting to give up. I'm proud of you. You have resolve, endurance, and bravery. I may not agree with all your decisions but your mom brought you up to be a good person as well as a great leader. You turned it around. You brought us back from the brink. But you also made sure that the kids are looked after and god help the man or woman who tries to take advantage of a kid in front of you. It makes me wonder what fathers came before the T-800. Whilst a machine can provide security it can't provide love. What the hell happened?"

The memories flooded John's mind again. He tried to push them back but couldn't. John put his head in hands. John knew what it was to be cornered and that's why he wanted to protect others. He just didn't think he was any good at it.

"_Now you listen to me, you smart-mouth punk!" Michael slurred as he unbuckled his belt, intending to beat John since John had refused to get him another beer knowing that Michael was already drunk. "When I tell you to get me a beer, get me a fucking beer. Maybe this will teach you a lesson"_

_"You're a smart boy, John. But I know how to take care of smart boys" Tom threatened as he smashed John's back against a wall and then kneed him in the stomach. Tom was a sore loser and John had beaten him in chess. "I know you cheated."_

"John, what is it?" Derek asked kindly.

"Before the T-800 I didn't have a father figure that didn't hit or shout at me or my mom. I failed to protect us and I'm afraid that the resistance has put their faith in a lie" John confessed.

"You were just a boy. It's ok, John. It wasn't your fault. This whole sorry mess isn't your fault. It made you stronger. People trust you because you have honour and strength not because you go around saying that you're the chosen one" Derek tried to reassure John that he was blameless.

John then revealed another fear "When I see my mom get hurt I want to kill. It makes me like them."

"No, they kill because it's what they do." Derek tried to explain the difference using the words that John had said himself in the future "We have reasoning on our side. Standards. Values. Principles. You shouldn't feel guilt or shame for feeling that way. Do you know what I would do if someone did that to me or someone I love? I would kill him and then piss on his grave."

"That's what mom did" John solemnly "Though not the pissing part."

"She's one hell of a lady" Derek praised, at least he wouldn't have to kill the assholes that laid a hand on his nephew and his sister-in-law.

"That she is" John said. John was proud of his mom. He loved her. He wish he could take her pain away and allow her to rest, to stop fighting, but he doubted that he would ever be able to give that to her.


End file.
